A Handy Guide To Finding Yourself

A Handy Guide To Finding Yourself

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Chapter 10




The bus is taking forever today . The LED sign at the stop mentions that the bus will arrive in three minutes. The homeless are stirring in the early morning light. Some just flip over and bury their heads into their arms. Laid out on the sidewalk. They like living this way. Ti's the only way they know how. Some other more sophisticated homeless are hanging out at the Latino newspaper and magazine booth, sipping on coffee.

Traffic starts to pick up.

A city truck with hazard lights flashing pulls into the bus stop. It stops. The driver puts it in park and grabs his coffee. Two guys jump out of the back and start throwing cones around.

The 720 double parks and collects Stevie and some others. It flys down the boulevard, and seems to take all day picking up the riders at the subway stops. AC gets on and the bus is so full that they don't see each other until they get off at Santa Monica.
"Hey Dude!"
"Oh dude, I didn't even see you."
"I know."

They both wait at the signal and chit chat for a minute and it turns and they make their way to The Baron. Stevie clocks in. Works sucks. He clocks out.

Stevie and Sam head over to a chic little bar on little Santa Monica and get smashed after work. Sam mentions that guy that he met on the bus. The one that was giving him a couple digits at a time. They finally hooked up and it was amazing. Only problem is that he's Catholic. Stevie sighs and nods in agreement that Catholics are a lost cause. After they've spent all Stevies' tip money, they get back on the bus. Sam gets off at Western and Stevie rides the bus all the way downtown and gets off at Broadway and 6th.

Chapter 9




All the downtown crazies are passed out. The super crazies are still up but having conversations with themselves. Stevie gets up with enough time to shit, shower and shave. He's out the door at 6:10 and on the bus, ass in seat, by 6:17.

The television in the corner is busted and the video is just a bunch of streaks that change color every so often. It's simple to understand that the TV is broken and Stevie's brain doesn't have to think too much. It's easy for the morning, even if it is broken. Strands of colors. The television goes to snow for nano-seconds then back to streaks. The bus hits all the stops and everyone piles on and settles in.

The bus hisses and pops down Wilshire. The masses are still half asleep as they move down the boulevard.

Stevie scribbles in his notebook. He's found a resort hotel that's bank owned and on sale for a dirt cheap price. If he can just gather up $350,000 bucks, he's in business. That's just to secure the loan. Where is he going to get the money? He might just take up the ex-Scientologist on robbing the Celebrity Center. It's a bad idea, upset Scientologists are worse than the cops. Maybe someday when his cult is on par with L. Ron's empire, then he'll do it just to ruffle some feathers. But on a serious note, he needs to find the Achilles heel of Scientology and take all the converts to Stevieland. He scribbles and doodles all these ideas down.

Ruth gets on at Wilmer and sits next to Stevie. She sighs, puts her hand on his leg and tells him of three more converts over the past week. Stevie takes the names and numbers and puts them in his notebook. He gives Ruth a stock of pamphlets and a couple manifestos to edit into Spanish.

The bus slowly moves through traffic. Something has happened up ahead. The mass of people inside the bus can sense the lack of motion. The mass stirs and wipes its eyes. It looks out the window at the flashing lights and shiny fire engines. Someones hit a motorcyclist. The bus drags by the scene and when it reaches the bottleneck, several cars honk. Somebody is covered up with a yellow tarp. It picks up speed immediately and burns a little rubber out onto the open road.

Stevie and Ruth make it to work on time and clock in at 7:00 am. Work sucks.

Stevie takes the bus to Hollywood after work to pass out some fliers in front of the Hollywood/Highland complex. He's among all the costume freaks and tourist and after a while gets discouraged. It's ridiculous, there's nothing but strung out street kids here. He makes a note to hand out fliers on Rodeo drive. Rich kids with trust funds, that's what he needs.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Chapter 8



The morning alarm goes off. It's 5:30 am and Stevie hits the snooze button until 6:00. Some converts have crawled into bed with the Messiah, or so they were told last night, and he is finding it difficult to get up with so many bodies in bed. He tries to gently unwrap limbs and glide over bodies but the converts, two pretty little Latinas, start to pull and kiss and thrust their pussies about. He's trapped in an orgy and now someones taken off his shorts and is giving him a blow job. The other Latina is now a blur of flesh and titties. She swings a leg over Stevie and rubs her pussy in his face. He starts to kiss it. Hands in odd places with limbs flying through the air. The blankets have been thrown on the floor.

A mass of tits and ass and cock and then Stevie cums. The girls jockey for his sperm. One of them grabs his cock and pushes it into her pussy. She fucks with rigor and makes him cum again.

The girls flop down on the bed and talk about having a cigarette. Stevie rolls off the bed and gets dressed. No time for a shower today, he'll just have to walk around smelling like sex all day. Something to remind him of the sweet two girls he just met. Didn't that cool French guy in 'Killing Zoe' say something to the effect of it's good to smell like sex.?

Stevie looks at the clock on the microwave on the way out. It's 6:45. He's never going to make it to work on time.

He's down on the street in no time and the bus flys by him as he makes his way to the stop. He runs a block to catch it. The door closes on his ass and the driver punches it. Stevie pays and finds a seat in the back section. A lot of people. The subway stops are packed and the people come in through all the doors, swarming the bus. It seems to hit every red light. This bus is taking forever to get down Wilshire today. It's too full now. The driver seems to finally realize this and now stops short of all the stops and only lets passengers off. Sometimes he doesn't stop at all if no ones dinged the ringer.

Stevie makes it to work at 7:30. Work sucks. The bus ride home is unmemorable.

Chapter 7



Stevie gets on the bus. How did he get to the bus stop? He doesn't remember much about last night after the tequilla shots. He doesn't remember much about this morning either. He steps inside and grabs the rail, pauses to one hand his $1.25 into the money eater and turns to walk down the aisle. He waits for the bus to jerk away first. It's always that first jerk that gets you. Looking down the aisle, there are plenty of seats, five people run past, flash their passes and then run down the aisle and grab all the good seats. He tries to get to one of the last seats in the front section but is beaten out by a small Latina with a baby & stroller. She takes up the whole two seats. Putting her baby stuff on the open seat beside her, and stuffing the stroller to the wall. Stevie looks defeated, but manages to sneak a manifesto into her stroller and stands next to the first exit door.

AC gets on at the Western stop and makes his way over to Stevie. They laugh and joke as AC reminds Stevie what happened the night before. They get to work in a flash and get off the bus.

Work sucks.

On the bus ride home there is a woman screaming about Jesus and asking bus patrons sitting in the immediate area first if they speak English or Spanish. Then she chants a little bit and says some prayers in your language of choice. She won't shut up. She screams and talks in tongue until she gets off at Alvarado, which is way down the road. Sometime she'll cover her face with her scarf as if hiding from a demon. She gets up around Highland to do a little dance, but slips in what could have been the middle of the dance and almost falls down. She steadies herself and sits down; damn drunken morality pusher. Drunk on something.

The bus patrons breath a sigh of relief at Alvarado. She's gone and Stevie laughs to himself. He knows that public preaching is useless these days. People need pamphlets and golden paper with contracts and promises. The bus pulls away from the stop and Stevie watches the woman point and yell at people and collect her things. The bus takes Stevie home.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Chapter 6



The bus arrives moments after Stevie gets to the bus stop. Its fate. He's on in a flash and gets a window seat. It's fun. Today is different, it's the weekend. There isn't a work vibe. It's fun.

The television in the corner is on. Its got a commercial for a romance novella on it. Then a Latino TV piece of somebody interviewing the hottest Ranchero band. They're huge. Then some magic tricks and animals made out of fruits and other foods. There are two TVs in the bus. Stevie is sitting a couple feet from the one in the front of the bus and has to crane his neck up to see whats on. Now there are 30 second tid bits of news, information and entertainment.

The bus soars in the middle lane down Wilshire. K-town flashes by in a blur of Hanguel and now the bus stops across the street from the Wiltern. The Rolling Stones are coming soon. The bus skirts the southern edge of Hancock Park. The Masonic temple is for sale, there it goes. Large condominiums on the south side of the street and deluxe houses on the north.

The bus blasts into Beverly Hills. The T.V. is now showing Reuters and AP stories in a nice font on colorful screens. It makes reading the news fun.

Stevie dings the wire.

The bus driver looks back, he doesn't want to stop. Stevie dings the wire again. The bus driver pulls into the slow lane and hits the gas. The bus tears through Beverly Hills. Past the Ferrari shop, past the Lamborghini shop, past the Lotus shop and right past Rodeo drive and the Beverly Wilshire hotel. The bus slows and stops at little Santa Monica and no sooner than Stevies back leg clears the door, it slams and the bus takes back off; engines roaring, catching the green light.

Stevie waits for the signal and then walks down the street to The Baron. It's 7am, he clocks in. The Kuwaiti Royals have left. The Bollywood star with two thumbs is gone, too. Work sucks. He takes his normal bus back home.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Chapter 5


The bus is not coming today. A crowd is huddled around the artsy bus stop. The cryptic message on the LED screen offers no help.


KZRZRTVNN__34

People just stand there waiting. Stevie shows up around 6:17 am and a large amount of people are there. An unusual amount is waiting. Stevie stands there and waits, too. He falls asleep standing up.

A woman with a bag brushes into Stevie and wakes him up. There are even more people now. He checks for his money and his phone and then moves out of the crowd.
He sees the Metro 728 going down Spring. He runs for it. Its about a half block away and others are running for it now. He makes it while some of the others aren't so lucky. The 728 isn't that full and Stevie pays his $1.25 and makes his way to a seat. It travels down Spring until it hits Olympic and takes it west. Stevie stares out the window. All that running to catch the bus has got his blood pumping. There will be no sleeping on the bus this morning.

Stevie takes out a notepad and doodles and writes a couple tag lines for his pamphlets and edits the monthly newsletter and doodles some more. HE looks out the window. Olympic has less potholes than Wilshire, and Stevie subconsciously loves it. The metro rapid 728 hisses and pops down Olympic. It's an Olympic size bus down Olympic Boulevard. If only Stevie was that massive in size; metaphorically. He's just a misunderstood cult leader wit a sizable amount of converts; 53 as of yesterday. He needs to plan an outing. Sam, Ruth and AC are his captains and they deserve a day out at Magic Mountain or something. Maybe they'll take mushrooms at Disneyland or something bonding like that.

Who's he kidding? Nobody has any time or money these days. Only the ex-scientologist hang out and smoke dope all day. He'll have to just buy that school bus and load everyone on and break free. Ride out into the desert and start Stevieland.

He starts to crunch some numbers. He needs 20% and can get good financing using a converts credit score and signature. He just needs 20%, but that's a lot more than he has anyway. Maybe he can just rent a bus or bribe one of these guys, these metro bus drivers. The silver streak goes out to the San Gabriel Valley, that could be an idea. He'll have to do some research. He scribble these ideas down. The bus stops a quarter mile from The Baron.

He walks fast down the street to work. It sucks. He takes his normal bus back home.

Chapter 4




The 5:30 alarm goes off.

Stevies bed is nice and warm.

He hits the snooze button on his phone and snuggle right back up to his pillow. A couple of coverts that never went to sleep are making tea.
"Come on Stevie, get up." Megan coos
"Someones got to pay the bills, Stevie." Janet comes over with some hot tea and rubs Stevies back.

He looks at his phone, it's 5:33. He glances about the Warehouse space. Its spotless. These new converts are great company but total meth junkies. As long as he can keep the meth coming, they're friends for life. He gets up and gets dressed and is out at the bus stop with a packed lunch from the girls within minutes. The bus arrives a moment later and Stevie shuffles on, pays and finds a seat in the front section. The bus is just as warm and inviting as his bed. This driver really has the heater cranked up before dawn.

It's so early. Nobody is on the bus. He could have stayed in bed for at least another fifteen minutes. It's retarded early. Stevie settles in. It's so early there is no one at the stops so the bus continues through a curtain of green lights.

Green, bummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Green, Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssss



Green lights and the bus reaches a comfortable hum and stays in motion from Downtown to Beverly Hills, only stopping once at Western Blvd.

A quiet ride only broken by the T.V. mumbling in the background and various mechanical noises. He can barely stay awake to make sure he makes his stop. He dings the line after Beverly. The bus driver looks in one of his mirrors down the aisle. Stevie gets up and makes his way to the door. He drops off a couple more pamphlets on the seats across from the door.

The bus stops. Stevie gets off. Work sucks.

After work Stevie, Sam, AC are contemplating a movie for later that night but nobody can commit to anything so they have a drink at the hotel bar and go they're separate ways

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Chapter 3





The LED lights on the bus stop tell Stevie it's going to be 4 minutes until the next bus. He stands there. It's nice out. He shifts his backpack from shoulder to shoulder. He takes a deep breath and studies the building across the street. It's ugly. It's the start of another day and everything this new morning stands for is out in play. The options are unlimited. It's a brand new day and Stevie has to go to work. His options are limited, he can't afford not to go to work. He needs the money so bad to pay for all his bills and publishing and dating.

Several other people arrive at the bus stop. They hover around. The traffic reverberates off the buildings. Voices float down the street. Shop owners spray down the sidewalk and get ready for another day of business.

The bus finally comes barreling down the street. Everyone shuffles on. The ones with bus passes skirt past the line and get the good seats. Stevie waits in line and pays his $1.25, puts some brochures up on the rack behind the driver and finds a seat next to a Latina that looks sound asleep.

Stevie settles in and soon falls asleep too.

The bus rumbles down the street. Green lights, potholes and flourescent lights. The bus continues on it's never ending journey down Wilshire. It's traveling fast in the slow lane. It's missing signals and crossing lights by inches. This driver really knows the size of his bus.

Sam gets on at Western with the rest of the subway crowd. The bus is packed but he seems to elbow his way through the crowd once he spots Stevie. Stevie is asleep and Sams mind races with all the ways he can disturb him. He decides to keep it cool and taps him on the shoulder and asks in a old Mexican womans voice if he can have the seat. Stevie pretends to sleep. Sam is persistant until Stevie finally grumbles something and gets up only to find that Sam has stolen his seat.
"Gracias." Sam says
"You're an asshole, Sam."

The bus finally arrives in Beverly Hills and they get off and head to The Baron.
Stevie Clocks in. Work Sucks. At 3:30 and not a moment earlier or later there is flurry of ID cards swiped into the time clock. AC and Stevie make plans to meet up later and talk about raising some money for the cause.

Stevie and Sam are the only ones that head over to the bus stop after work. It's hot out and the hotel suits make it extra hot. They stand with their backs against the Beverly Hilton and cook in the sun. The bus appears out of a mirage. IT's coming out of Westwood, packed with students. As it gets closer, it becomes more apparent that there is no room left on the bus. The driver stops the bus and opens all the doors. The kids in the back fight the doors to keep them shut, but they buck them off and open up. Sam and Stevie jump on and cram inside.

The bus ride home is uncomfortable.

Chapter 2



The bus is empty when Stevie steps on in downtown. The seats are unobstructed so the colors beam across the bus. Each seat has a rainbow of colors that are bright and cheery and they bring to mind toucans and tropical days on the beach. Stevie puts in his $1.25 and strides down the aisle trying to enjoy his early morning commute. The bus lurches forward and the doors slam while he looks for a seat in the midsection.

none of the others in the gang catch this bus along Wilshire this morning. It barely stops at the subway stops and continues at a breakneck pace down Wilshire. The bus is blowing through yellow lights as everyone sleeps quietly.

Stevie wakes up as the bus roars through Beverly Hills. He has to pull the wire and dings the bus into a higher state of conciousness. A computerized voice explains what stop is coming up and asks that riders exit through the back doors. He walks up to the front of the bus and places some fliers in a plastic case behind the driver. "Stevie Land" is now back in stock and free on certain select Metro Rapids in the Los Angeles area. He throws a couple onto some empty seats and then exits before the doors close on him.

Stevie joins a small group of people at the signal. They all wait for it to change. A small man punches the button to make the signal turn. He punches it soft and fast as if he were playing a video game. The signal finally turns and everyone walks across the street.

He goes to work and clocks in. Work sucks.


He clocks out and comes back to the same signal and walks up the street to catch the eastbound red/white superbus. It takes an hour to get back downtown and its full of screaming highschool kids taking classes at UCLA or just being bussed all over town. Damn kids. There's never any seats until Western, so Stevie stands there and tries to mind his own business. Sometimes he'll chat up a lonely individual, but mostly he looks out the window, and dreams. Ruth is the one that gets converts on the bus. This is her territory, Stevie just likes to enjoy himself and unwind from the stupid workday.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Rise and Fall of Stevieland - Book One


Stevie stands there on Fifth and Broadway to catch the bus. Here it comes now. Everyone scrambles on. It takes off. That fucking bus. Everyday Stevie sits there and bumps along Wilshire. Half asleep with someone else half asleep sitting next to him. They keep falling asleep and lean into each other, then snap themselves awake. The bus keeps growing in size. The masses are waiting at the subway stops down the way and that's when things really get stuffy. The bus zooms down the street towards Vermont. The first of the subway stops. There are too many people so everyone crams inside anyways because they're all in such a hurry to get somewhere. Some people are helpful and move to the back of the bus, others clog the aisle with rolling bags and overly cheerful attitudes about how sorry they are. Stevie is happy to have a seat and not deal with the madness in the aisles. The bus makes its way west along Wilshire. It stops at Crenshaw and picks up a few more people.

The metro rapid picks up speed. Stevie saw Ruthy get on at Alvarado and said hello but she didn't hear him. She's standing a few rows back now and recognizes him and walks up the isle to stand next to him. They say hello and chit chat a bit. The bus stops and more people are getting on. Like three people have gotten off for the hundred that have gotten on. The bus swells and continues it's way down the boulevard. It's a good time. A.C. gets on at the La Brea Stop and he's with Sam today. They immediately see Stevie and Ruth and form a cluster around a section of seats by the second exit and the gang includes some tan Latino that's dozing off. Sam is busy chatting up some cougay.

"Dudes, i can't believe we all made the same bus," AC says, "this must mean today is the day."
"Sé. Nunca nos vemos en el mismo autobús. Todos los capitanes están en el mismo autobús hoy."
"It is strange Ruth, Today must be the day!" Stevie says.
"Si, hoy es el dia." Ruth says.

The bus rumbles through Hancock Park and into Beverly Hills. There's not much traffic today. It's labor day. The bus is busting at the seams on the holiday schedule and its reached it's capacity around Fairfax. Now it's starting to lose people as it moves into Beverly Hills. Some at Robertson, more at Beverly and still more at Santa Monica. That's the crews' stop at little Santa Monica Blvd. and Wilshire so they all squeeze toward an exit . Sam almost gets caught on the bus trying to get his older boyfriends mobile number.

"Did you get his number?" AC asks.
"No, he said it was too early to be flirting, but that I was cute and he'll give me a couple digits every time we see each other," Sam says, "Today I got the area code 753, where is that?"
"Puta." Ruth says.
"Slut." Stevie says.

They all scuffle down the street toward the hotel where they work. Ruth is a housekeeper, AC is a front desk clerk, Stevie is a Bellhop and Sam is the Reservation Manager with too many DUI's. They all work at The Baron. A small boutique hotel. It's got about 51 rooms with a pool. There's a small restaurant and bar in the lobby. The pride of Beverly Hills. First place out of all 16 hotels in Beverly Hills as rated on Vay-Kay.com. It's so strange because everyone hates their day job. How could a top rated hotel be run by people that hate it so much? It made no sense. As with everyone in Los Angeles, the desk staff yearned for more. One was a Socialist with a big ego, one a digital editor, another a playwright and another one that wanted to be a full time mother. They're almost to the hotel now.

It's warm out and the sky is clear and blue.

They walk through the employee entrance and put on their work personas. AC relieves the night auditor and sits behind the front desk. Ruth heads downstairs to prep the laundry. Sam goes to his back office to do whatever middle management does and Stevie posts up next to the curb with his shiny uniform on.

Beverly Hills sparkles.

The day is filled with day-dreaming. Stevie yearns for a cult like existence in a luxury commune. On his lunch break he will sneak around to a computer in the reservation room and types up his manifesto. AC works on his TV show idea about a black "Melrose Place" and is trying to find a new internship because the one he has now is miserable. Ruth talks on the phone with her kids. Sam has brought his editing equipment to work because he knows that it's going to be slow and he can edit some of these shit student films and the more lucrative porn movies when no one is in the office.

The day floats by on golden fluffy clouds with emerald pillows encrusted into them. Stevie stands next to his shiny golden bell cart and smiles a smile that shows he's lost his dream. Work Sucks. His commune out in the desert running on clean energy is so far away and today the afternoon arrives and brings other workers to relieve the morning crew. That's all it ever brings. Ben, the Kiwi, relieves AC and Kirk relieves Stevie. They all stand around the time clock and wait for the 3:30pm. Ruth shows up and the clock turns. There is a flurry of employee ID card swiping and then they're off. After work they all head their different ways.

Stevie heads off to the Dirty Martini to chat up locals about his new religion. and collect numbers. It's a big Scientology hangout and he hopes to get the strays or the jaded fall outs. He likes the dedication of the scientologist. Typically signing up for 400 million lifetimes. AC heads off to the gym to work out and Sam joins him. Ruth is going home to see her kids.